Are you prolix or laconic?
por Rosana Braga em STUM WORLDAtualizado em 14/01/2005 10:13:35
Translated by Leandro Guerra Martins - [email protected]
Final revision by Françoise Killick - [email protected]
I could perfectly have used the expressions "Do you speak too much?" or "Are you too silent", instead of "prolix" or "laconic". But I wanted to use less current words to instigate you to pay closer attention to the possibilities. In fact, I wanted you to give some thought to the manner you have been communicating, especially in your relationship.
Those who do not speak, do not occupy their place in the relation and do not give the other the possibility to know them. And those who speak too much risk to be boring and tiring. In one way or the other, what happens is that the partner loses interest in establishing a dialogue, because he knows that either the other one is not committed and will not say what he thinks and wants, or he will speak too much, be repetitive, go for details, be redundant and confused.
You could think the other should like you the way you are. It is true, you are right. But if you mean to widen love and make it easier, why not try to improve the relationship and turn it into an interesting exchange?
I have noticed that the more relations last, exceeding the phase of passion and idealization and gaining in responsibilities, routine and familiar commitments, the more they loose the capacity of agreement through dialogue and communication.
Couples complain about one another, alleging lack of understanding, disillusionment in relation to the other's attitudes. In a word, we can notice it is more a problem of being able to put things in words than a real serious and difficult problem to be solved.
I am not saying we should simply take the other’s words as arrows or accuse him indiscriminately. On the contrary, I refer to the desire to understand the other, to listen to him respectfully trying to absorb the feelings contained in his words, to be compassionate enough to place oneself in the other's place and interpret affectionately (or at least friendly) what he is saying.
On the other hand, I also mention the mature and pacific decision of speaking showing consideration for the other. Because what I see are couples throwing at each other's face words of criticism, accusations and justifications, in a word, a completely distorted and heavy communication which is a real fight to those who overhear it by chance, without being part of the situation.
It is obvious that both sides believe they are right and are not understood. But this vicious circle that poisons and destroys love has to be stopped somehow for dialogue to be re-established adequately.
Of course, it is not easy, mainly if both are tired of the other "speaking too much" or "not speaking enough". The former has the constant sensation of not being heard, and the latter, the impression he cannot stand these talks any longer. Moreover, he feels less and less motivated to speak as he does not have the possibility to place a word or, worse, because he thinks these endless and tiresome conversations will not lead anywhere.
Observe your communication with your partner and see if it is based on negation. There are couples that do not listen to what the other wants to say, to his opinion or explanation. They simply initiate their sentences with an imperative "no", invalidating any attempt of the other to justify himself or give an opinion.
I suggest that you start this exercise, after you decide whether you are prolix or laconic. Forgive the other for being "this" or "that". Also forgive yourself and be humble.
Ideally, of course, the situation should be balanced. You are not going to stop talking because you have discovered you speak too much, nor will you start talking indiscriminately because you think you did not speak enough. The best rhythm is when both can speak, one at a time, being listened to with interest, respect and consideration by the other.
Then, they will feel absorbed by themselves and the other, willing to conquer and please each other, feeling committed to the other's happiness and their truly shared love...
