Dealing with love can be simpler than it seems
por Rosana Braga em STUM WORLDAtualizado em 04/04/2005 13:33:49
Translated by Cristina Ogimoto - [email protected]
Final revision by Françoise Killick - [email protected]
I believe one of the difficulties we have is to know how to act in certain situations in which the theme is love and relationship. Various questions seem to transform themselves into arrows targeting our mind without allowing us to find the answers.
What to do? Should I show what I feel or not? Should I wait a little while or take a decision right now? What will the other person think if I say what I am feeling and thinking? And what if I regret it later? And what if the other person doesn't feel the same way I do? And what if I get involved and then suffer?
In a word, an infinity of questions assault us and make us hostages in a hole from which we don't know how to get out... Desire is present and the wish to have a relationship (or at least try to have one) keeps knocking strong, but in most of the cases we are not able to act, to take an attitude and we let life go by without being part of it.
Well, first of all, I should to remind you that I used the word “simple” and not “easy” in the title as my purpose is to suggest ways of finding your own answers, although this is only the beginning: once you discovered them, you may have to accept two fundamentals truths:
First, it is “IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY” which many times we would like to; and second “NOTHING IS FOREVER”. Life is exactly what happens each day after the other.
Summarizing: it is not easy, indeed! But you should be able to face risks in line with your intentions. It may not be easy, but it will be less complicated than we think.
And if it is too risky to act, not to act means passively look at life as it passes by. However, in certain situations, not to act could be the right action provided it is a conscious decision, emerging from your own choices and options.
Therefore, I will try to be as specific as possible in specifying "a tool to find the answers" to the questions mentioned above, which are the questions I receive oftener. I hope to be able to help each one of you find his own answers.
What to do?
What are you willing to do? Not what you think is right or wrong, as in principle everybody wishes (from the bottom of their heart) to do the rights things... So, instead of beating about the bush, ask yourself: what is it I really want to do? What is my true desire at this moment? And once you answer this question, you will know what to do. If you are going to act or not is another story, which even can be decided after finding the answers to other questions...
Note: I am not talking about desires based on impulsive feelings. An act determined by anger, jealousy or despair is a big mistake and is very dangerous. In a moment like this, the best thing to do is to take a good night's sleep and only take a decision once you have cooled down.
Should I show what I feel or not?
Why not? How can the other person take a position if he doesn't know what you really feel? How long would you let a situation remain uncertain just for the fear of showing your feelings? Think: isn't it better to show and to know what the other person really wants and is able to do instead of pretending you have different feelings and suffering from not getting anywhere? But do not forget that to show what you feel is your choice which doesn't guarantee the attitude of the other person!
Should I wait a little while or take a decision right now?
If you know what you want, should you wait? If you have already answered the first question to yourself, go ahead. If you couldn't answer it, keep going on asking until you know for sure what you want. When you know it, take your decisions, be in charge of your own life!
But what will the other person think if I tell what my feelings and thoughts are?
Unfortunately, in general, we are not telepathic beings yet. This question has absolutely no answer until you ask the other person what he thinks and listen to what he wants to say. Never can we know what the other will think or say, even if we are sure we can. You can even image, but never be sure about them, never! Furthermore, I think that when we take an attitude which concerns our life, our heart and our feelings, it has nothing to do with what another person says or thinks. It is time to take into consideration what we want without trying to bond our choices to other people's choices. Let's do our part, live our life, and bet on our own happiness.
If we don't get it this time, let's keep on moving.
And what if I regret later?
Be responsible, assume your regret. Tell yourself that you regretted, that it wasn't what you wanted, that you are experiencing some feelings that you had never known before. There are many short-cuts and returns on the roads of life. All of us can regret... It will always be worthy if your action was directed by good intentions.
And what if the other person doesn't feel the same way I do?
It is their absolute right. Each one of us feels what he can feel at that moment. To accept a 'no' is part of our growth.
However, I believe that it is much better to know that the other person doesn't want, instead of spending days, months and even years nurturing fantasies, waiting, living on vague impressions. Because, when you face a 'no', you can take a new attitude and keep moving in your life.
And what if I get involved and then suffer?
Why run away from the inevitable? Suffering is part of a relationship. It is impossible not to suffer. If you do not get involved, you suffer anyway. If you do not show your feelings, you suffer too. If you spend your life protecting yourself from love, you will be considered as a lunatic and thus suffer even more!
Therefore, suffering is human, it is part of the condition of being alive. So, let's at least suffer for good causes, through our own choices and experiences. Doesn't it look fair and more fulfilling? And it will indeed considerably increase chances of being happy.
My hope is that you understand that the more conscious you are of your own desires, and the more coherent and respectful of yourself, the easier your life will be. In a word, life cannot be good unless you respect yourself.
