Many times, when we start a relationship, or when we already have it with somebody for a long time, we catch ourselves with a doubt that seems to put in "chess-mate" all our will to go on with the relationship. The point is: is it love? How to know?
First, I believe that "knowing" is not the most important thing. Knowing is only useful to name feelings, to try to explain them... and that not always adds something really meaningful to ourselves or to the other person. Therefore, feeling and acting is more important than knowing. In other words, maybe you do not know exactly what you feel, but you feel and act in such a way that satisfies you and the person with you. Ok, it's enough!
But suppose you are not satisfied or that it is important for you or for your partner to understand better what you feel, then we come back to the questions: is it love? How to know?
There isn't any recipe where you fit your data and come to a conclusion, such as "yes" or "no". Because, as I have always defended, I believe in love as a way to evolution. Each one of us is at a different level of consciousness and perception of him/herself.
If we consider the fact that a quite evolved person loves without possessiveness, selfishness, defenses, with compassion, calmness and maturity, then, we can try to analyze ourselves before searching for a "definite" answer about being or not being love what we feel.
A good start to this analysis is a self-questioning that follows these orders: if you put "beside" the love you think you feel, need, loneliness, fear of not be able to have a relationship with another person, attachment, how much of these feelings would you find in yourself? How much is there of "laziness" of starting again, of convenience? In short, how much motivation is there to feed what you feel?
Or try to realize how much you have invested in this relationship with the best of you... Many people keep their best to a more appropriate moment or to someone who seems to deserve more... However, giving your best should be the first condition to live any relationship, because this is the only way for the meetings be worthwhile and they can make you evolve more and more, they can make you more willing and available to the commitment love asks for.
I suggest you to take up your time feeling and acting more than knowing if what you feel is love or not. And if, by chance, you realize that you do not feel and that, therefore, you haven't acted, you haven't given your best, take a position. Stay or leave, but whatever your choice is, be aware of what you are doing.
It doesn't matter how definite your decision is, because "nothing is forever". Make up your mind for today and you'll have decided the only important moment and the one that really exists. And thus so on; remember that life is a permanent choice, at every moment. If you leave or if you stay, do it for love, both for yourself and for the other.
Rosana Braga é Especialista em Relacionamento e Autoestima, Autora de 9 livros sobre o tema. Psicóloga e Coach. Busca através de seus artigos, ajudar pessoas a se sentirem verdadeiramente mais seguras e atraentes, além de mostrar que é possível viver relacionamentos maduros, saudáveis e prazerosos.
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Publicado dia 8/18/2004 11:36:54 AM em STUM WORLD
