Such extreme concepts as "right" and "wrong", "good" and "bad" or "victim" and "villain" would rather keep us in a rigid and stagnating position than stimulate us in the direction of the matureness that is so essential in our relationships.
One of these days, I was wondering why – deep down in their soul - people feel so much pain when they are cheated or so much guilt (even unconsciously) when they choose someone else... And it became obvious who was in fact affected by pain and guilt. Either in the position of the victim or victimizer, we feel as if we have no certainties any longer and we have to face ourselves, our choices, question our feelings and revise our values.
This intense and important exercise is what makes us feel guilt and pain, because we realize how much we still have to discover about ourselves; how much we are still affected by small, stingy and limiting feelings, as ownership, pride, attempt to control the other and life, envies, unreliability, lack of self-esteem, of understanding, etc. However, it is so easy to justify what we feel from the others’ attitude - either the one that placed us in the position of being cheated, or the one that seems to have motivated us to cheat. What we really want is that the responsibility does not fall directly on us and our own desires and attitudes...
But justifying what we are - or what we are not - from somebody else’s point of view is what we have always done! It’s enough! It is time to start to assume that we are, do and think only what our maturity allows us to be, do and think! According to the development of our emotional intelligence, self-knowledge and openness to learning, we are mature or immature enough to take the reins of our lives and make more coherent and conscious choices, being able to overcome pain and guilt and, especially, be happy.
To live deeply complex situations such as treason, inevitably faces us with what we are and with everything we have done to become what we would like to be. Moreover, it makes us question concepts such as the search of pleasure and well-being.
Therefore, for such experiences to be understood and discussed productively, it is demanded of us more than a moral approach. The vision of each one of the partners and of the couple itself, at every moment of the relation, determines how they are accepted or not.
But, we have always preferred the lazy practice of accusation, acting as eternal victims, leaving aside this precious chance discussion would give, emptying the subject of the richness it could bring with barren, non-creative and useless quarrels.
I confess that I myself feel concerned by that, but I believe that it is only when we face ourselves - individually – that we are able to walk in the direction of the emotional matureness an adult loving relationship requires, independently of the scale of values each one has!
So, if you are suffering from feeling cheated, or blaming yourself for having cheated someone, try to forget these limitating concepts and face yourself! Assume yourself! Recognize who you are, even if you don’t like what you see. It is only when you know who you are that you can become who you desire to be. That is evolution.
If you refuse yourself or remain a stranger to yourself, you can look less guilty and more of a victim. However, you are - in fact! - less authentic, less intense and less loving than what you really could be. You accept to be the hostage of limitating concepts and rules that only serve to label hearts. And you lose the possibility to face life and really learn to love!
Rosana Braga é Especialista em Relacionamento e Autoestima, Autora de 9 livros sobre o tema. Psicóloga e Coach. Busca através de seus artigos, ajudar pessoas a se sentirem verdadeiramente mais seguras e atraentes, além de mostrar que é possível viver relacionamentos maduros, saudáveis e prazerosos.
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Publicado dia 12/14/2004 11:35:36 AM em STUM WORLD
