We are used to put off doing everything we consider not very pleasant; in other words, everything that apparently is more embarrassing than relieving. To talk about something that's bothering us in a love relationship is, usually, one of these delicate subjects to the point of tempting us to postpone it. However, this is a big and dangerous trap for love. To put off may be a synonym for "poisonous silence", that kind that contaminates the relationship quietly, without giving us enough time to save it, in case we don't come back to the difficult subject in time.
We need to accept the fact that loving someone includes the differences, a different personality. In other words, people who share their lives, beliefs, values, feelings and hearts will certainly surprise themselves, sometimes, with unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts cross our minds all the time, based on fantasies, on reality or impressions (which aren't confirmed as facts yet). Each arouse in us a particular feeling: joy, motivation, desire, hope... or insecurity, fear, sadness, anger...
In short, human feelings. However, more than classifying them, name them or print in them any judgment of value, I want to call your attention to the huge difference between the things you understand and the things that keep scratching, bothering, hurting little by little... insisting on stealing your attention from anything else... A real torture in your head!
It may be suspicion, intuition, a word said or heard that sounded strange, a feeling of yours or the perception of the other person's feeling. In short, many situations may make us dive into an uncomfortable mental state we don't know how to deal with.
I suggest that when you feel yourself faced with this impasse, remember this truth: everything that keeps on pulsing in our minds insistently, making us thinking more and more about the subject, gets a much bigger size than its real one.
Try to make a test: when a thought seems to have no solution: too big, too sad, too serious, too unforgivable, in short, anything that is "too much", try to tell someone (obviously someone you trust). At the moment you start to change your thoughts into words, automatically they start to get a new dimension, to get their real size... and then you realize that there was some excess, some unreality.
Then, what I mean is that there is only one way to solve this torture that takes control of your mind: speaking, showing what you're thinking. The ideal is that you feel comfortable to do it with the person you love, after all, in this case we are talking about something that’s bothering in this relationship.
However, sometimes, the discomfort is based on something very private, personal and, thus, we prefer not to tell the other person. But the point is that we need to tell. I suggest you choose to talk to someone who is as unbiased as possible. Of course we are satisfied when we find someone who always gives us reason, who is always by our side and that don't insist on considering the other, forgiving whatever our attitudes and conclusions are.
But, someone like this can't actually add anything. You need someone who helps you to see the reality and not someone to be your accomplice. Because there are always two sides to be seen: yours and the other person. This is justice, above all.
After getting a new size to your thoughts and looking at the facts with a clearer notion of the reality, I wish you understand, above all, that badly solved situations are like ghosts in a relationship. And ghosts haunt, it means, they shade... and shadows cover light, put out the brightness, absorb the heat...
This is it: relationships in which the misunderstandings, the upsetting thoughts and the hidden feelings are transformed in badly solved situations, inevitably lose their light, their brightness and heat... until, neglected, love dies. For that not to happen, don't postpone it. Solve the problem, dissolve your thoughts transforming them into words. Put a stop to the ghosts that haunt your love!
Rosana Braga é Especialista em Relacionamento e Autoestima, Autora de 9 livros sobre o tema. Psicóloga e Coach. Busca através de seus artigos, ajudar pessoas a se sentirem verdadeiramente mais seguras e atraentes, além de mostrar que é possível viver relacionamentos maduros, saudáveis e prazerosos.
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Publicado dia 1/31/2005 1:29:12 PM em STUM WORLD
